Overprotected heart

Have I been overprotecting my heart for too long that is making me lonely? I was too afraid and am too afraid to admit but my heart flutters. Yes, I admit to myself that I see him as a man. But I have been controlling because I want to guard my heart. I am too scared to be found and hurt.. because even now, it’s too painful to accept that it’s just one-sided.

It’s half past 11 and it’s 25° C here but I feel cold.

Tomorrow, when I see the sunrise,  I promise to treat myself warmly.

To the woman

The woman who loved herself, where is she now and what is she doing?
She might have forgotten that she is valuable. Or she doesn’t remember how to treat herself with kindness.
People may be harsh, always taking advantage of her but these are not as important as what she thinks of herself.
Pain is pain. Betrayal is betrayal. These cannot be changed but can only be accepted, and you can choose to be stronger and wiser.

It’s 30 minutes past midnight. In the morning, when you get up, shine brighter than the sun. Shine not for the world, but for yourself.

Bathroom Stall

I have seen movies and dramas where one hides and cries in a bathroom stall over work issues. There is something so mundane about this. I thought this happens only in television. But as I am exposed in the world where everyone struggles to survive in the workplace, it has become so real. I am 25 years old and I belong to the newbies, but it’s not an excuse for me everytime I fall short of the standard. I am mistaken, wronged, bullied for some things that can just be over passed. I am weak and fragile, am young and a woman. But I must not show that I am also vulnerable.

At times when I have no control over my weaknesses, there in the bathroom stall I cry, I hide. There, I can be young, I can be a woman. There, I pour my anger, pain and weakness. After a couple of minutes, as I go out of the bathroom stall, I am stronger than I used to be.

Reality vs Truth

The reality shows and tells us that true love never happens.  Marriage will always be broken. Divorce is normal. Pre marital sex is okay. Waiting is vain. Sex for Christians is ugly. Pursue happiness. Follow your heart. Loving God above any relationships, above any person closest to us, above our own desires and dreams is lame.
 
The reality has made us believe that beautiful things never last, and that we should grab every opportunity to be happy while it is there. Reality has taught us not to sacrifice for it will be our loss. It tells us that patience will cause us to miss wonderful things in life.
 
I  believed this reality because this is the reality. I pursued happiness my own way. I didn’t wait, grabbed happiness that came along my way as I didnt want to miss good things.
 
Such a beautiful lie that had become a truth… until this led me to be broken. In the pursuit of finding true love my way- to be wounded, be healed, be hurt again had been a cycle.
 
Then, I allowed Jesus to finally rescue me. Things have never been the same.
 
In Jesus, I have learned the truth.
 
Everyday, new things are revealed.
 
Beyond the reality is the truth.
 
The truth is I am a child of God. True love exists as what GOD did and is doing. John 3:16 tells us how God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit conspired to show me what true love is. While I was sinning, Christ died for me (Romans 5:8). Jesus came to give me life and have it to the full (John 10:10), and that authentic happiness can be eternal (only with Him and in Him).
 
I learned to sacrifice, to say NO to temporary happiness for sufferings at the present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed (Romans 8:18). Waiting is never  vain for I choose what is good on the long run. Greater things are always ahead. To be impatient is missing God’s best. If God didnt spare His own Son for me, how much more such things I desire that are too little.
 
My heart is precious that I should have my mind lead, guard and protect it. My heart should be set apart for Jesus first, and second to the man I am to give it at the right time.
 
It is God that has put the desires in my heart, and it is He who will fulfill my desires.
 
Above all, putting God first, will make every other things in my life beautiful (Ecc. 3:11).
 
Now, I believe Truth is stronger than reality. God is Truth. God is greater than reality. He is great and capable enough that He even conquered death which is real for all of us. He can do all things for nothing is impossible for Him.
 
If nothing is impossible with Him, then I believe He will bring me the man I desire which He, too desires for me. I believe in marriage, in true love and love that lasts forever for it is my God who created these and He, Himself is Love and He is Eternal.
 
No circumstance is bigger than my God. Nothing is too great for Him to handle.
 
Reality is so real… but the Truth, God’s Word will always remain, it will never fade (Matthew 24:35).

Time

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I’m 25, turning 26 few months from now. It feels like I’m going beyond the world’s timetable. I
could be more than a provincial nurse but I’m stranded. If only I could get hold of things. But there are circumstances that are out of my control. It seems that time ticks against me. But then again, the world’s timetable may say I am late but in God’s time, it’s just perfect.